"my parents would never let me do that..."
"oh no, no way, they would disown me..."
"I can't imagine my parents not saying something about that..."
Well, all this chatter has led me to think about my parents and what they would object to or what would literally raise their blood pressure enough for me to say one of those phrases above. It took a lot of thinking.
Ok, so, my parents have a very interesting way of parenting, it's not something I have seem in other families so I have come to believe it is unique to us Rinomhotas. My parents hardly ever say no to something, nor do they "forbid" you to do something. Instead they talk you into submission, that's right, they talk and talk and talk and talk some more. That's the big secret to my parents' style of parenting.
Case in point, when my father doesn't like something, he sits you down and tells you all he thinks about it, how awful it could be for one your position and uses a thinly veiled analogy or two and then he'll give an example of someone he knew once who had an issue that is somewhere similar (sometimes it's quite a stretch), this could be very remote but he'll find a similarity somewhere in there. And then he will end his thoughts based on a Bible story or two. At no point during this whole time does he say he does not approve, he will say anything and everything except the fact that he thinks what you're about to do if a bad move. I know this seems a short discussion between parent and child, but oh no it is not, this can last a good hour or so and sometimes it lasts hours over a number of days of course. By the time he is done, all you want to say is "ok, I'll do it your way". This is what happens when my father talks you into submission.
Second case. One of my friends recently brought to my attention that when I don't like something, I make this disapproving noise, it's not quite a grunt or sigh but somewhere in between. She says, she knows then before I say anything that I don't approve. I didn't know this about myself and now that I know, I look back at times I spent with my mother, I think that's where I got it. My mother, like my father, rarely says she doesn't agree with something, instead she does this thing with her mouth and eyebrows, in fact it's her whole face. It's hard to explain, but picture it as a mother saying "uh uh" with all the muscles and nerves in her face, all except her mouth. I'm sure you get the idea. When the disapproving look fails, she goes to strategy number 2, the guilt trip. When all else fails, my mother ends with the phrase, "oh well, what does it matter, I'm only your mother". Yup, that's it, that's all she has to say to remind you how much power she has over you. As soon as she says that, one gets this overwhelming guilt that makes you change your mind on your convictions and do it her way. Whatever path you had set your mind on changes as soon as those words are uttered. Once again, note the absence of the word "no". My parents rarely use that word.
Those new age parenting authors have nothing on the Rinomhotas, my parents practically wrote those books well before those authors where out of their diapers, correction, well before they were born. You want to know true parenting, ask the couple that has 8 children across the world, all of whom have turned out to be productive individuals in their own right. All of whom will jump at their parents' request even from thousands of miles away (with the power of Skype of course).
Don't get me wrong, my parents are still human and yes they will use the word "no" and express their disapproval towards mine and my siblings actions, they will only do so when they tire of talking you into submission and they don't tire easily, after raising 8 children, it takes a lot to get them to resign to anything. Sometimes, just sometimes, my parents won't say a word, no talking, no looks, no guilt trips, not a word. They just sit back and let you learn for yourself. Hey, they're human, I didn't say they're perfect.
When that fails, they tell one of us to tell the other. It goes like this, "can you talk to your brother".
The moral of the story, don't use the word "no" with your kids, just talk them into submission, trust me, I'm the 6th of 8 children, it works. Don't believe me? Ask my parents...
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